I haven't posted in a few weeks. I've been sick. I ran out of anxiety medicine and pain medicine at the same time, which can make life very difficult for a neurotic grrl with chronic pain disorders! I was asked by my dear friend, H, to post something positive for a change. She said I was always negative, which surprised me! I thought I was sharing valuable information for other survivors. Then again, talking about my history of rape, other sexual assault and harassment, and abuse are not very positive topics, are they? H, this is dedicated to you:-)
I have wonderful parts of my life, as do most every person, whether a survivor or not. I have a fantastic husband. Let me just say, I never planned on marriage. I did not believe in such a thing. After all, I never had positive marriage models in my life. Then, I met this guy who was just cool. He was fun to hang out with, good conversation, but married. Well, the marriage ended. We were friends. Our
relationship just kind of developed following the dissolve of his marriage to his first wife. With our relationship came hope. We found each other at dark times in each of our lives. He was dealing with his daughters moving away, and I was dealing with a rape I could not comprehend. As a bonus, I got the most amazing step-daughters a person could ask for! They are beautiful, sweet, clever, smart, funny, and just good girls. I love them like they're my own children, even if I did not technically give birth to them. I am proud of what they do, the young women they are growing to become, and the wonderfulness of having them in my lives. Along with getting a husband, amazing step-daughters, I got a family. My in-laws are wonderful people who have welcomed me fully into their lives and family. I realize that even though I have difficulty getting along with anyone in my father's immediate family, God has given me a wonderful family by marriage. I have a
fabulous family on my mom's side, too. We aren't necessarily an emotional group, but we know how we feel, and we stand by each other through the rough times and the good times. I'm a lucky grrl! I cannot imagine what life would have been like without my mom and brother. My mom has been a pillar of stength my whole life. She has also developed a fun attitude in the past few years. We may not have always gotten along so well, but my mom is so important in my life and integral to the woman I have become. My younger brother is the only person who shared my entire childhood. Together, we have survived a childhood of life with a raging alcoholic. We suffered together, but we also lauged together and survived together. He is a newlywed, and I am delighted to have a new sister to share my brother's life.
I also have some pretty amazing friends that I've accumulated over the years. My oldest friend is K; although we are separated by many miles, we are as close as sisters. We talk about
everything, have shared the best and the worst, and have forged a bond stronger than a lot of people will ever know. I'm so glad she is in my life. I've known H almost as long, and H and K are cousins. They've included me in feeling like a part of the family. K and H are both beautiful, funny, sweet, and positive people. They're a good influence in my life, and I am grateful! I have been blessed to have additional friends come into my life, through friends of friends, work, school, or similar interests. I have discovered a bounty of amazing people through Facebook, other survivors, dealing with their own battles, healing in their own ways. We've forged a bond of hope, self-discovery, sharing, and healing. There is also a community of retreatants who have become part of my life through ACTS. I am beyond blessed to know each of these people, and I hope everyone I consider a friend knows how much I care about them.The end of 2010, beginning of 2011 brought a
transition to my life. I had been working part-time retail for about two years. I decided to leave this job at the end of 2010, taking a leap of faith. It has worked out quite well. I was nervous about this change, and my husband was near hysteria about my potential unemployment. Through a new friend, I found a full-time job that I like, as well as a part-time job so I can continue to indulge my interest in clothing retail. I said 2011 will be the year of Medusa, and so far, it's working out for me. I've learned that people enter our lives for different reasons and at different times. Some remain, and some may go. Their presence in your life at any given time does not lessen the significance that the person has had in my life. I've always liked the the lyric from Alice in Chains "You my friend, I will defend, and if we change, well I'll love you anyway" from the song No Excuses.
Yes, I've been hurt by many people. At the same time, I've discovered that
people bring goodness into my life. How do we distinguish the good people from the potentially hurtful ones? It is simply life, the experience, the jouney, the personal growth, development, and course we all take just by being alive and being social creatures. Yes, the pain has taken a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically, but when I stop, take H's advice, and consider the good, the good far outweighs the bad. I have found love, friendship, healing, growth, and even some happy through relationships I've had with various people. Thank you for touching my life in a positive way. Even just by reading my words, you have an insight into who and what I am. Thank you, H, for making me consider my positives.
