So, in my first blog, I confessed my secret of being a rape survivor. It feels good to open up and be frank about an awful situation that I've pretty much kept bottled up for 12 years. Sometimes I wish I'd pursued criminal charges. At the time, I was so confused and dissociated that I was not sure what happened. It took me a few years and another sexual assault (not me and another perpetrator) to comprehend the "R" word actually happened to me. It was at that time that I opened up to my then boyfriend/fiance (currently, my husband of nine years) and a couple other people. I still kept it secret and ashamed.
Over the years, I've had pretty much every symptom of post-rape trauma. Intrusive thoughts and memories, check! Nightmares, check! Random panic attacks from rather harmless situations, check! Once, I had a dream where I killed HIM, chopped HIS body to tiny bits, and then placed HIS body fragments in large garbage bags placed in those giant plastic storage bins. Then, I took those bins, buried them at the end of my grandmother's driveway on a rural oil top road. I placed an oriental rug over the oil top, and then sat on the rug. I literally buried this all away in my dream. It felt pretty damn good, I must confess.
(I am not recommending assaulting
anyone ever in any manner. I am just sharing my dream.)
Life happens, though, and everything came back. My most recent nightmare was just 2 or 3 weeks ago. I'm learning to, not accept because "accept" is inappropriate, live with it. More than anything, this is about living again, to regain everything HE took from me. Just opening up about my experience has been freeing for me.
So far, Medusa is gaining supporters on Facebook, and hopefully some momentum. If this Medusa initiative can help any single person, then I will consider this a successful endeavor. If I can change a single person's opinion about sex crimes (I'm referring to the enormous majority who believe the problem does not concern them because they have not experienced victimization), then Medusa is a success. Chances are, each individual knows a rape survivor, and possibly a rapist. I know many survivors, and I have known perpetrators, besides my own. Think about who you know. 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men in the USA are the victim of attempted or completed sexual assault. That's a lot of people. Medusa has her work cut out for her!
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