How long do we really feel victimized? How long does it take to acheive survivor status? I know it is a difficult process. I'm learning that the process is longer than I may have previously thought.
I have made my rape no secret. That's what prompted me to begin blogging. I have also discussed some sexual assault (non-rape) in previous blogs. I have mentioned my father, an alcoholic who was verbally abusive, violent, and emotionally negligent. Then there is the disconnection from most individuals during my school years. With a few exceptions, grade school through high school were lonely years for me.
The thing is, I am a fighter. I fought back in high school by withdrawing and building an imaginary wall to shield myself from others. I fought endlessly with my father. The last fight we had was in a restaurant shortly after his oncologist declared my dad's cancer was back and he probably would not survive. I'm fighting the rape and various sexual assaults with words, with this blog, on facebook, in the real world, and on Twitter when I can remember.
When it comes right down to it, though, I find I become this wounded little girl again when I face off with someone in an authoritative role. I cry, and I run away under the guise of being too good for (fill in appropriate word here). And I've done it again! This time, someone understood. I guess she's been there, too. She called me on it, and told me this is a challenge I will have to overcome to be successful.
How do I do this? Do I fight? Most employers frown on employees fightng back. Although, in a couple of these jobs where I ran, I was called a liar for defending myself. Do I become a "yes-woman" and submit wholly to a supervisor's demands that are unethical or challenge my own beliefs? I still have integrity.
I will have to learn, adapt, and grow. More importantly, I still have a lot of healing to do. And I want you, the reader, to know it takes time to heal. Take that time for yourself, and learn to grow and adapt as you are on the path to healing. I will be.
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