Body image is an issue I'm becoming more familiar with as I learn more about fighting sexual violence, ending child abuse, and continue my crusade for what's right and against what's wrong. Body image can be simply described as how one perceives one's own appearance. Body image is related to eating disorders, self-esteem issues, and victimization. Here I'd like to share my own struggle with body image.
I've always been big. In preschool pictures, I stood a head taller than the other kids, and I was much heavier than the other kids. It wasn't that I was fat as a kid, I had a large skeletal frame and a muscular build. This was the time I began to become aware of the physical difference, though. I felt like a giant compared to the other kids at school! As I grew more, my mother would tell me things like, "Oh, you're not fat; you're just pleasingly plump." I was learning to accept that I was fat. I know it was not my mother's intention to label me, she was offering a euphemism for the ugly word "fat".
My father, on the other hand, frequently told me I was fat. He was an alcoholic who could be verbally abusive and often violent, and I understand that his own father was violent and physically and verbally abusive. At one time, my father told me, in a drunken fit, that I was "gonna get so damn fat, he'd have to put a sign in the yard just to marry me off" to some undesirables. A girl doesn't forget that message!
Around the time of junior high, my body began changing again. My breasts werer growing, my hips were getting widers, and my body was maturing faster than I was prepared. Boys began to have conversations with my chest, girls began unhooking my bras, so I began wearing a jacket everyday. It could have been 100 degrees outside, but I was in my jacket. There were other boys that would poke my rear end with the tips of holly leaves (holly bushes grew in front of the school). I began covering as much of myself as I could. I was carrying the fat label, even though I wasn't once puberty hit, as well as hiding my body from everyone.
In high school, girls began to get skinny, very skinny. I could not live up to their skinny! NEVER! So again, I would cover myself, sweaters, sweatshirts, jackets, anything. I remember one girl, particularly skinny, looking at my thighs as I was sitting on my heels on the floor, commenting on how she hates the fat bit that protrudes from your thigh when sitting like that. I never sat like that again. AND, my thighs were muscular at this time, because I spent all summer swimming and the rest of the year riding my bike. I learned over the course of high school that most of these girls who were so skinny had eating disorders, including the one who commented on my thighs.
I went to college, where I gained an eating disorder briefly. I went to college early as part of the college I was accepted to had various programs before the university officially opened. My parents bought some snacks, but we assumed the meal halls were opening. My mom gave me a check for an allowance, but I didn't have a bank account. I got used to nibbling a two or three pieces of dried pineapple and not eating anything else. I was losing weight at an insane rate. It was as though it was melting off me, and I liked it. Sure, I was hungry, but who cares! Over the course of the semester, I began to have dizzy spells, near black outs, and frequent nausea. My friend recognized I was at a crucial point with my anorexia, so she purchased a cheesecake, forced me to eat, and ended my anorexia. But, then I began gaining uncontrollably...
The end of the second sememster was when HE raped me. All of the trauma swirled in my head, and I ate for comfort. Then, I remembered how boys left me alone more when I was covered up. What if I used fat to cover up? It was an almost intentional weight gain to disappear in plain view. I got married during my weight gaining period, and he seemed to love me no matter what, so why should I fight the gain? It didn't solve my problems, though. I still carried the weight trauma, I still carried the issues my dad gave me, I still carried around the feelings of inadequacy from not looking like the "stick girls" in high school. Plus, my health because problematic.
I have a lifelong condition where my neck spine is curved the wrong way and causes debilitating pain. Carrying the weight in excess of 300 lbs only exacerbated my pain. I also have a bulging disc in my lower back, which is definitely not helped by weighing more than 300 lbs. I was beginning to develop high blood pressure, before age 30, and I had sleep apnea because of my weight. Finally, at my neurologist's insistence, I began to lose the weight. Over two years, I've lost more than 76 lbs, so I still have a lot more to lose. This isn't about looking any particular way; this is about me shedding weight, both physical and mental weight!
I still have a long way to reach my neurologist's goal. But I'm working to get there. I am learning to enjoy myself again, and to heal both physically and emotionally. It's hard to let go of those emotional scars. Hearing my father's voice, I can still hear his words echo in my head. But I didn't have to marry an undesirable. I married a really great guy who supports me, loves me, and understands what I'm doing is important. I have reconciled that I will never be a skinny girl. Instead, I have learned that I have curves, quite nice curves that can be dressed well and make me look damn hot. Sometimes I'm insecure, but I fake it and put on this "I'm hot" attitude, and it works. I can do things I never thought I'd be able to do before. For example, I own not one, but TWO, pencil skirts. When your hips and tush are as full as mine, they say don't wear a pencil skirt, but I do!
How does this all relate to my fight against sexual violence? I sometimes wonder, and I'm not blaming myselft, if HE didn't pick up on my insecurities and use them to get me where HE wanted me. I think a lot of society's monsters pick on the weak (as in the insecure, the poor self-esteem, those who will not fight back). I'm making a statement that we need to teach our children, both girls and boys, that they are beautiful and valuable, and they don't have to let anyone hurt them. There will probably be sexual violence for a long time, but if we teach our children that they don't deserve to be treated like that, it would make a difference. Maybe they could fight back; maybe they could avoid predators in the first place. Let me also tell you this: You are beautiful. I have struggled with learning this lesson, but I'm telling you now that YOU are beautiful!
very insightful. I think you make a good point when you talk about how those with low self-esteem are often preyed upon. Thank you for sharing. I always enjoy reading your blogs.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Lori
Thank you for honestly sharing Medusa <3
ReplyDeleteI hope you know just how incredible you really are! You are an amazing woman!
I do believe that alot of these predators target people with low self esteem... it's like they can pick us out of a crowd by the way we carry ourselves... they sense our insecurity like I sense their evil & filth! But then so many give so many other reasons as to why they chose a particular person! Doesn't matter... their way of thinking is warped!!! I chose not to accept that it was my insecurities because I felt like I would be accepting part of the blame for what they did to me... but I must say... as I gained strength & courage, I also became more self confident & these days, downright angry at all these monsters... I can make 'em back down with a piercing glare these days & that feels so good!!! Then there are the ones that are just cold & evil through & through. Those kind are deadly & do not back down. I know my limits.
Congratulations on working so hard to get rid of the mental & physical weight!!! Congratulations doesn't seem enough... let's party Girl!!! <3 You, My Dear, are amazing & oh, so beautiful!!! <3